CyclePig

photo by ctd 2005

Dear Weather Forecaster,

Like many people around the world I like cycling. In fact, when the sun is shining I like cycling a lot. But I will be very clear here about what I don’t like:

• I don’t like getting wet
• I don’t like carrying extra clothes and equipment that I didn’t need on a bike ride
• I don’t like it when you mislead me, forcing me to either get wet or carry extra equipment I didn’t need

It is particularly upsetting when you publish the current conditions as ‘Sunny’ and I can look out my window and clearly see that it is raining. Perhaps you have become confused into thinking that the weather is entertainment and not about providing sensible and useful information based on science. I am left thinking that the rare occasions the actual weather resembles your ‘forecast’ could be explained by pure coincidence. As the saying goes - even the sun shines on a dog’s ass some days.

As a youngster I held your profession in high esteem. You used important sounding words like barometric, humidity and isobars. I was also impressed by your knowledge of geography and the excellent quality of the maps you would display. It has taken me quite a number of years to uncover your deception but I now know the horrible truth - that you decorate these maps with lies.

This is quite a neat trick where by blurring fact and fiction you can easily mislead the public. And you may be somewhat pleased to know you are not the only industry to employ this tactic - just think about Hollywood and their ‘based on a true story’. Perhaps a topical example here is ‘The Perfect Storm’. A beautiful story of man against nature, of human relationships and male bonding, of men nearly drowning before really drowning. But the true and very sad story is that some men went out on a boat and didn’t come back. So what of their adventures at sea from the movie. Well just like your forecasts they are a great work of fiction. And as for when the real perfect storm hit back in 1991, did you see that one coming?

Although you have repeatedly demonstrated your ineptitude, at least you are not employed in more…lets say…important occupations. For example, I am very grateful that you didn’t choose medicine for your profession - “I can tell by the double swooping life line crossing your palm that your blood type is A”…..oh dear. Actually I can imagine your job interview going something like “If you can draw a nice looking squiggly line and laugh at newsreader’s jokes then you’re hired!”.

It is for these reasons that I am writing to you today. And to help rectify your poor performance following are some requests.

According to the Cambridge Dictionary the definition of forecast is “to say what you expect to happen in the future”. But the truth here is that you have absolutely no idea as you have the predictive power of pocket lint. It is clear to me that your job title of Weather Forecaster is just no longer appropriate. I request that you stop referring to yourself by this title and instead announce yourself a “Weather Fortune-Teller”. It would also seem appropriate that going forward you publish your weather stories next to the daily horoscopes, or if so inclined perhaps setting up a stand at the local fair.

Your profession, if I can call it that, has followed the same dark path as many industries in western societies - taking what may basically be a good product or service and dressing it up with marketing slime (6 minute abs, super size etc). Your offence here is the 10 day forecast. It is clear that you have no idea what the weather is going to be like in 10 minutes, let alone 10 days. I think this is mis-advertising in the extreme. I request that you remove all long term forecasts from your telecasts and publications or alternatively clearly mark them as the fiction they are.

Now if you would prefer to keep your presentation approach as it currently is, it may help your audience to see the true entertainment value in your predictions if you display your weather story on top of some fictional map. Perhaps Middle Earth would be appropriate here and I can just imagine your presentation - “And tomorrow’s forecast for Mt Doom is hot, dam hot!”. This is surely going to help your ratings and put a stop to the bags full of hate mail you no doubt receive.

I hope you can see this letter in a constructive light and will choose to comply with these requests.

Wishing you the best of luck in your future career as Weather Fortune-Teller,
thePig
www.cyclepig.com