CyclePig

The False Flat is evil! It attacks with stealth and can leave you a broken mess on the side of the road. For the least you need to know go straight to the bottom otherwise read on for the full horrible story.

Original photo by Zevotron

The Departure

It was a Tuesday morning in May when I set off on this fateful ride. I had been training well, and was feeling strong as my feet began with effortless circles, propelling me down my drive and onto the local road.

The air is still, dry yet crisp and the world is quiet. It is that strange time of morning when the usual frenetic pace of things have not yet warmed into being. Bob is out watering his lawn, and the lady from number 52 is setting off for her early morning walk with her dog. We have never spoken but her eyebrows lift in that usual hint of recognition. The dog is a small brute of a thing and I like to think its name is ‘Meatball’. I contemplate to myself if I would stop were Meatball to run in front of my bike.

The Anticipation

As I leave my suburb a thought occurs to me. Perhaps I should try a different route rather than the normal training ride. Did I really think that? But then I feel it, coming to me as a light whisper on the breeze. It is calling me, calling me nearer. And there it is, a road off to the right inviting me in. I wonder if I have seen it before as my bike curls effortlessly around the corner.

The road is wide and the tarmac worn. There are trees rooted on either side, but seemingly overhead as their fingers stretch longingly towards each other blocking out the light above. I look ahead, and am surprised at the straight road stretching into the distance beyond my ability to see. At first this thought excites me as the middle finger on my right hand clicks twice and I feel the 16 tooth sprocket engage.

I lean forward and wrap myself around my bike, increasing the power to my legs. I look down and see the computer tick over to 20mph, surely a nice training speed for such a fine stretch of road.

The Terror

But then I feel a slight pounding in my chest as my heart tries to satisfy the increasing blood cravings of my lower limbs. Beads of sweat begin forming on my brow trying to gain the mass they need to trigger their southerly journey.

My pace slows as I look down at my wheels expecting to see one of the tires spread outwards on the road, surely the reason for my difficulty. But no, they are both tight and perfectly formed. I listen intently for the sound of a rubbing brake but all I can hear is my own increasingly desperate panting.

As I wrestle with the bike, my thoughts return to Meatball and I try without success to smirk to myself as I consider the idea that this is karma for my earlier plans to bring about his demise. I again look down, in vain desperation that my previous assessment of my tires was incorrect.

I turn my head around, half expecting to see some old lady about to pass me on her shopping bike. But it is only then that I realise the true horror of it as I am looking back along the road from where I came. It wasn’t obvious to me before but I can see it clearly now.

I have been climbing uphill. And all this while it has been lying there in wait, pretending to be flat. I am just another victim of it’s deception as the False Flat strkes again.

I struggle the rest of the way home vowing never to return to this road. And to complete my deflation, I approach my house to find Meatball poised, grinning at me as he marks his territory on the wheel of my car.

False Flats - The Least You Need To Know

Often when cycling you can find yourself riding on a road that appears to be flat but is actually not - also know as a false flat. They are normally about 1-2% gradient and are quite common in the lead up to mountainous areas but also appear on suburban streets.

When riding on a false flat you will find yourself looking at your tires, thinking about rubbing brakes and questioning your energy levels as an attempt to explain why the cycling has become more difficult and you are not able to ride at your normal speed. If this happens, you should consider that perhaps you are on a false flat rather than blindly charging ahead.

You can then decide whether to keep pushing, or to ease off your speed to keep the effort level constant - and hopefully avoid burning yourself out.